heartbeats

so i had an incident of Heart Palpatations at bondi beach on saturday. besides being majorly embaressing becuase it is the most crowded beach in sydney on the first nice beach day in a month..it was also frightening and confusing and annoying. im not sure what exactly triggered it..as it always seems so random..but in retrospect almost always seems connected with anxiety. i mean i guess in some ways it makes sense..ive been going all out for weeks. i had just eaten fast food and smoked a cigarette. and i had gotten caught in the rip tide. there were many factors.

it wasnt that big of a deal but andie and i went for a dip and realized we were in the rip and swam super hard to get back and while i was pushing against the current i thought "whoa i see how people drown.." cause it was hard. it wasnt a very big deal but once finally on shroe i was relieved and my heart was racing with the exersion. so we went back to our towels to chill..not really thinking much of it except "damn rip." then it just kicked in. its not like normal racing heart..even the fastest you can think of- it's like it switches gears into major palpatation mode. and i have Hardly gotten it in the last few years and when i have i almost always can breath through it..but this time i couldnt. the crowds. the sun. the worry. after 20 minutes gloria and andie got lifeguards and eventually they took me to the lifeguard area..and then i had to go to the EW in an ambulance..although RIGHT before they arrived It FINALLY clicked back into normal. i was lightheaded and weak tho obviously..and they MADE me come in anyway and said my heart was still beating rather fast at about 120 per min i think. at the hospitol i got an ekg etc etc and everything checked out normal and after lots of water my heart rate was down to 70-80s. it was all in all...alarming and crappy. i have been very anxious thinking about my next step and life decisions. do i stay here? do i move to nyc now? so much is whirling around in my head it is LITERALLY hard to think about all at once. i think maybe the swimming in the ocean against the rip tide made the anxiety surface. and then it all just came out in the form of palpatations. now i am just at a loss..wondering why it happened, if it will happen again..and how to fingure things out without stressing out. anyway. the song chasing cars came on when i was in the lifeguard stand and it actually slowed my heart a bit weirdly enough. i fucking cant stop listening to this song. its all about lying with the person you love and forgetting the world, etc. its so simple and pretty and ive been loving it. which is weird cause im not terribly homesick or lovesick or sad at all.. but it just is damn good. the whole snow patrol album Eyes Open is amazing. buy it.

Chasing Cars
We'll do it all Everything
On our own
We don't need
Anything Or anyone
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel
Those three words
Are said too much
But not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time Chasing cars
Around our heads
I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see
I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

i guess i just want things to be this simple....but i cant forget the world..i gotta figure my world out so that i can relax a little. what freaks me out about that sing is the line, "Just know that these things will never change for us at all" ... cause doesnt everything change? or are some things constant?