...

it may not always be so;and i say
that if your lips,which i have loved,should touch
another's,and your dear strong fingers clutch

his heart,as mine in time not far away;
if on another's face your sweet hair lay
in such a silence as i know,or such
great writhing words as,uttering overmuch,
stand helplessly before the spirit at bay;

if this should be,i say if this should be-
you of my heart,send me a little word;
that i may go unto him,and take his hands,
saying,Accept all happiness from me.
Then shall i turn my face,and hear one bird

sing terribly afar in the lost lands.

SO MUCH

it's hard for me to even digest how much has happened between my last post and now- even though it has only been a month and a half. just to paint the picture i will list a few of the intense things that have happened in the relativley short period of time:
* miriam came to sydney(!)
*said goodbye to my sydney girls
*went scuba diving for the first time
*spent about 25 hours on australian greyhound buses
*slept in about 12 different beds
*went to new zealand- enough said (i fed goats and all)
*went back to the states, and strait into a triple header at the doubliner (god forbit i have jet lag or something)
*witnessed my dad perform my cousin hilary's wedding, in my own living room
*said hello to my DC lovers
*saw hamoodi (enough said!)
*went to nyc
*said goobye to my DC lovers
*....and back to sydney.

*oh and throw in a few sessions of bikram yoga during all that, you know just for extra intenstiy.

and now for some of those intense moments in picture form, just so you know i ain't making this shit up.



i flew back in from sydney and strait into THIS. this madness lasted days and days. i only know this was the wedding night cause of the fancy dress.

OK the pictures are taking forever, thanks to my slow-ass internet, but ill put them up later for shizzle.

and that's just a few reasons that the past month and a half has been one of the best, most intense, most emotional, most chaotic time in my life thus far. now im back here, and suddenly i can take a breath again. it's so strange cause things have finally come to a grinding halt and im back in sydney, and everything is just the same while being entirely different at the same time. im bcak to running to woolworths for milk, and popping into the exchange to say hello, and reading in hyde park, and window shopping in paddington. it feels so familiar, kind of like home. but at the same time most of the people who helped make this home are gone, so i have to re-establish a lot. i am enjoying the solitude and the new challenge though. and finally im getting to enjoy sydney without the 9-5 job to take up all my time. i really never had this much free time to just enjoy the city. it's such an incredible city..i swear i could walk around all day everyday and not get bored. but emloyment is important, as i am going broke fast. i put up babysitting flyers and inquired in some cafes. im also signing up for a photography class that looks reallly cool, so that should be fun. ..im just a Little homesick, but i know i made the right decision to come back here.

besos x
deutsch

you say goodbye, i say hello..

so there we are..what a cute family, huh? the last 2 weeks have gone by faster than i can even explain. it's been literally an emotional rollercoaster. thanksgiving was great, i thought it would be really really difficult beign away from home...but it was special in its own way. on thanksgiving night we made mexican food and andie and alex came over. we made sangria (boxed red, sprite, fruit, ice- classy) and andie made a kick ass dip and we just stuffed out face and sat around the table drinking too much sangria and having a good time. then on friday i got a real traditional thanksgiving at gloria's house with her cuosins. it was amazing...her family is so nice and her cousins kids are gorgeous (the cutest 2 year old ive ever seen..). we sat around the table talking politics, religion, pop culture...so i felt RIGHT at home. just like my own dinner tables..paris hilton one minute, the validity of faith the next. i stuffed myself with turkey and drank endless wine and beer.. it was such a nice sydney night too. then gloria and i managed to waddle out of the house- absolutly stuffed- and head to hugos..because it wouldnt be a friday night if i didnt end up at king's cross. well, one drink turned into many..and before i knew i was drinking champagne well into the wee hours of the morning...

anyway, i had a lot of anxiety last weekend. i was sitting at home saturday evening with knots in my stomach and an unesay feeling. time is just moving so quickly and in one sense i am thrilled that miriam is coming here in 2 days (!) and we are setting off to see this amazing country (i havent left sydney yet). a friend from home is absolutly what i need right now.. after so much time being independent of my life at home and seriously soul searching (cheesy but true) it will be good to sit on the beach at byron bay with miriam and discuss everything that's been going on... our trip is going to be awesome..all the way up the east coast ending in cairns. we are going on a 2 day boat in the whitsunday islands, we are going to the great barrier reef. it will be fantastic.

but then there are the goodbyes. i dont knwo how i am going to say goodbye to the people that made this experience what it was for me. gloria, andie, val, etc. and there are people im just getting to know better that i have to say goodbye to. one minute we are a happy family sharing thanksgiving dinner and the next it's goodbye. but i guess life at this stage is all about goodbyes. (nothing is constant, esp in our 20's- that's what i am realizing. the structure of school is over but the steadiness of career and family hasn't started.) when i come back here it will be amzing, but in a sense i will be starting from scratch. but i also look forward to that. you can probably tell just from reading this that my mind is spinning and im in such a state of bittersweet emotions...

i guess the big news comes now. i purchased a ticket. im coming back here jan 15th and staying at 13 mullens and working illegally (rock on) and carving out a new life for myself here. and THEN... thailand! and THEN..THE UK! this is all insane. i think despite my rather intense anxiety at times i am absolutly in love with life right now. in a way the anxiety stems from the excitement and openendedness of the future...



holy shit, check it out.... !
FLIGHTS
Sun, Jan 14: UNITED AIRLINES, UA 0215
From: WASHINGTON DULLES, DC (IAD)
Departs: 7:16pm
To: LOS ANGELES, CA (LAX)
Arrives: 9:55pm
Arrival Terminal:
TERMINAL 7
Flight Time: 5 hour(s) and 39 minute(s)


Please verify flight times prior to departure
Sun, Jan 14-Tue, Jan 16: UNITED AIRLINES, UA 0839
From: LOS ANGELES, CA (LAX)
Departs:
10:30pmSun, Jan 14
Departure Terminal:
TERMINAL 7
To: SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA (SYD)
Arrives: 8:05amTue, Jan 16
Arrival Terminal:
TERMINAL 1 INTERNATIONAL
Flight Time: 14 hour(s) and 35 minute(s)



Sat, Apr 14: THAI AIRWAYS INTL LTD, TG 0996
From: SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA (SYD)
Departs: 5:05pm
Departure Terminal:
TERMINAL 1 INTERNATIONAL
To: BANGKOK, THAILAND (BKK)
Arrives: 10:20pm
Flight Time: 8 hour(s) and 15 minute(s)

Tue, Apr 24: GULF AIR, GF 0285
From: BANGKOK, THAILAND (BKK)
Departs: 6:05pm
To: MUSCAT, OMAN (MCT)
Arrives: 9:00pm
Flight Time: 5 hour(s) and 55 minute(s)


Wed, Apr 25: GULF AIR, GF 0009
From: MUSCAT, OMAN (MCT)
Departs: 1:40am
To: LONDON HEATHROW, UNITED KINGDOM (LHR)
Arrives: 6:50am
Arrival Terminal:
TERMINAL 3
Flight Time: 8 hour(s) and 10 minute(s)



Tue, May 15: BRITISH AIRWAYS, BA 0293
From: LONDON HEATHROW, UNITED KINGDOM (LHR)
Departs: 5:10pm
Departure Terminal:
TERMINAL 4
To: WASHINGTON DULLES, DC (IAD)
Arrives: 8:10pm
Flight Time: 8 hour(s) and 0 minute(s)

"a good traveler has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving." lao tzu

well, my plans are fixed, but easily changed for the fee of $25 plus rate changes...

cant wait to be back in the states and see everyone and go to the wedding .. it's all overwhelming to think about..in a very very good way.
x

things are coming together

so. ive been trying to figure out what to do in january considering i have absolutly no strings attached in terms of school or a job, etc. it's a wonderfully liberating feeling- i am so fucking lucky. having the opportunity to make a decision that doesnt have to soley be based on money or a career is the best gift i could ask for. i basically realized that id be crazy not to use the advantage or my time, youth, and some money to do what iw ant to do, which is continue exploring the world. first off..i have fallen in love. with australia. sydney. i am going to return here about january 15th or so and attempt to live here legally- with a tourist visa- and work ILLEGALLY with a tourist visa. wow, i prob shouldnt be publishing this on the internet. ah well. many restaurants here pay cash and dont tax..even to residents. also i have some babysitting connections, etc. i think this could work. itll be really differnt living here without the girls- who have been just amazing. VAL... who is the best possible roomie/sister/everything girl here. GLORIA...who's like the lifetime friend i never made until now, from when we met it was like picking up where we left off every time. and ANDIE... who has been the ultimate partner in crime. tragic that we didnt know eachother at BU despite a dozen mutual friends. at least we finally met now. but you know, i will meet more people and i have a very small base of aussies that i can continue to bond with. the exchange crew (i dont know how clsoe to them i want to get haha). then last night i went to dinner at (Ok this is confusing: my parents are friends with the ambassador to the US from OZ. i had dinner with their son and his wife) these people's house and their cousins were there- 2 girls 22, 24. i hit it off with natasha the 22 year old and we ended up heading to hugo's together after dinner (my kind of girl to suggest such a thing on a sunday night after a large meal). anyway..just like that i have a new number in my phone and more possibilities.

i am thinking about getting an around the world ticket- actually not terrrrrribly expensive. i want to fly form DC to sydney. stay 3 months -ish. then go home via Thailand (bankok, phuket, chang mai) and maybe greece and then the UK (ive never ever been!) and then back to DC. i mean this is all partial fantasy..but what if it could happen?! i htink i could even save a bit while i was here doing odd jobs..... the thought really excites me. and ive never travelled by on my own- im kinda down. i think it would be a new and exciting experience. and anway this would get me back to the states around the begining of may... where upon i would turn 23, move to NYC, and begin my fabulous magazine career. sounds likke a plan, huh?

i miss everyone so fucking much. thanksgiving is next week..ill be thinking of my family and the DC crew the whole time!
xxxxxx

heartbeats

so i had an incident of Heart Palpatations at bondi beach on saturday. besides being majorly embaressing becuase it is the most crowded beach in sydney on the first nice beach day in a month..it was also frightening and confusing and annoying. im not sure what exactly triggered it..as it always seems so random..but in retrospect almost always seems connected with anxiety. i mean i guess in some ways it makes sense..ive been going all out for weeks. i had just eaten fast food and smoked a cigarette. and i had gotten caught in the rip tide. there were many factors.

it wasnt that big of a deal but andie and i went for a dip and realized we were in the rip and swam super hard to get back and while i was pushing against the current i thought "whoa i see how people drown.." cause it was hard. it wasnt a very big deal but once finally on shroe i was relieved and my heart was racing with the exersion. so we went back to our towels to chill..not really thinking much of it except "damn rip." then it just kicked in. its not like normal racing heart..even the fastest you can think of- it's like it switches gears into major palpatation mode. and i have Hardly gotten it in the last few years and when i have i almost always can breath through it..but this time i couldnt. the crowds. the sun. the worry. after 20 minutes gloria and andie got lifeguards and eventually they took me to the lifeguard area..and then i had to go to the EW in an ambulance..although RIGHT before they arrived It FINALLY clicked back into normal. i was lightheaded and weak tho obviously..and they MADE me come in anyway and said my heart was still beating rather fast at about 120 per min i think. at the hospitol i got an ekg etc etc and everything checked out normal and after lots of water my heart rate was down to 70-80s. it was all in all...alarming and crappy. i have been very anxious thinking about my next step and life decisions. do i stay here? do i move to nyc now? so much is whirling around in my head it is LITERALLY hard to think about all at once. i think maybe the swimming in the ocean against the rip tide made the anxiety surface. and then it all just came out in the form of palpatations. now i am just at a loss..wondering why it happened, if it will happen again..and how to fingure things out without stressing out. anyway. the song chasing cars came on when i was in the lifeguard stand and it actually slowed my heart a bit weirdly enough. i fucking cant stop listening to this song. its all about lying with the person you love and forgetting the world, etc. its so simple and pretty and ive been loving it. which is weird cause im not terribly homesick or lovesick or sad at all.. but it just is damn good. the whole snow patrol album Eyes Open is amazing. buy it.

Chasing Cars
We'll do it all Everything
On our own
We don't need
Anything Or anyone
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel
Those three words
Are said too much
But not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time Chasing cars
Around our heads
I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see
I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

i guess i just want things to be this simple....but i cant forget the world..i gotta figure my world out so that i can relax a little. what freaks me out about that sing is the line, "Just know that these things will never change for us at all" ... cause doesnt everything change? or are some things constant?

trouble..

Best Friends 4Evaaaa!!!

Wiley. He travels with the Foo Fighters. Has crazy blonde hair. Is in a band called Chevy Metal. It is classified as Dirt Rock. And that with us, of course, is the lovely miss Val.

Almost Famous? Behind the Music? am i a band-aid or a groupie? ok so it's a little posed, but only a LITTLE.

Andie and I. At Havana. Love her.

ive got lots of pictures in my head. you better not..turn off the projector. SNEAKY baby

Melbourne Cup Day. As in Horse Races. It was so fun and i bet TWICE on winning horses. a special shout out to POLAR BEAR and POP ROCKS!

across the universe.

this is the tune i am feeling right now..

Words are flying out like
endless rain into a paper cup
They slither while they pass
They slip away across the universe
Pools of sorrow waves of joy are
drifting thorough my open mind
Possessing and caressing me

Jai guru deva om
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world

Images of broken light which dance
before me like a million eyes
That call me on and on across the universe
Thoughts meander like a restless wind inside a letter box
they tumble blindly as they make
their way across the universe

Jai guru deva om
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world

Sounds of laughter shades of life are
ringing through my open ears
exciting and inviting me
Limitless undying love which shines around me
like a million suns It calls me on and on across the universe


im feeling good...well not my head bc i am hungover and its early and im at work... but my heart is happy here in sydney. dont know whats on the agenda this weekend... probly go out with andie which is always fun. gloria is back from Tazzie, saw her last night. we might move in together if i stay through the summer (US winter). more later. love to all. esp mary cause its her bday tomorrow!

gros bisous